Positions like the maid of honor, best man, bridesmaid, and groomsman exist to celebrate people close to you and let them be part of your special day. It’s exciting to be picked for this special occasion, but happiness can turn to sadness when you realize you aren’t as close to the happy couple as you might have thought.
A woman bailed on being a maid of honor when she learned that her ex cheated on her with the bride. In the fallout of this revelation, parts of the entire wedding fell apart, as OP was highly involved in the planning. Readers shared their thoughts on the ensuing drama and offered OP some advice on how to proceed.
Finding out that your friends are not as loyal as you thought they were is a painful revelation
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A woman learned the very uncomfortable truth from her ex on the eve of her friend’s wedding
Image credits: Wavebreakmedia (not the actual photo)
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Cheating has always been and still is a major violation of trust in any relationship
Infidelity is by and large one of the more unforgivable “sins” one can commit in a relationship. The fact that Tom is willing to overlook it is quite surprising, as he is marrying a known cheater while OP is willing to break a friendship over it. There are very few reasons society might accept cheating, as even a person in an abusive relationship would be better advised to simply leave instead of trying something on the side.
Research shows that cheating normally requires two components, a collection of feelings and environmental circumstances. A combination of anger, self-esteem, lack of love, low commitment, need for variety, neglect, and sexual desire might cause the person to consider cheating, while opportunity and the ability to “get away with it” might actually lead the person to commit the deed. While the aforementioned emotions are not really positive, it’s still not an excuse, as one should first fix their existing relationship or simply leave it before trying anything different.
As hard as that might seem, cheating is not a victimless “crime.” It’s better to break up than subject a person to infidelity. Being cheated on often leaves a person with long-lasting trust issues and self-doubt that tends to “bleed into” many of their subsequent relationships. Someone who has been betrayed once will likely fear it for a long time. While OP’s ex didn’t explicitly tell her why he was leaving her, just this uncertainty can be traumatizing. While we don’t know the details, it’s easy to imagine a lot of questioning, low self-esteem, and other issues.
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OP made the best choice for her own mental health
OP doesn’t detail her own mental state, but studies suggest that her “taking charge” and refusing to participate in the wedding is ultimately healthy for her. In marriages where one partner cheats, the victim of infidelity tends to recover more quickly if they are the ones initiating a divorce. By taking back some amount of control over their own relationships, people can help stave off the loss of self-confidence. While OP was not actually divorcing anyone, skipping this wedding is a good way to build a boundary with a woman who betrayed her.
To pick OP as a MOH is particularly cynical after what Stacy did to her. Perhaps it was some outpouring of guilt, though this would only make the truth worse. In general, while no longer quite as important, the position of MOH and bridesmaids existed to protect the bride during the wedding itself. Just wearing similar clothing to the bride comes from pre-modern China, bridesmaids would act as a sort of decoy in case of bandits attacking.
Commenters supported OP’s decision, as she really did not owe Stacy anything at this point, particularly after the bride “allowed” her to do so much of the planning. While we truly do not know what was going through Stacy’s head, using your “friend” to help plan your wedding after you slept with her boyfriend is unhinged at best and downright evil at worst. The silver lining, if there is any for OP, is that it’s better to get rid of these sorts of friends early, not years down the line when you might need them for help.
Image credits: Keira Burton (not the actual photo)
Why they hell would he tell her that the day before the wedding? Sorry your best friend was half the reason your future plans were ruined, but please continue being her servant and make her look like a perfect, special person!
He had just found out a few days before. I think it's fair that he worked out his feelings about it before talking to OP. This is way more on "Stacy" than "Tom". She probably didn't want him to tell OP at all, which would have been way worse. Although Tom was an AH after for being mad at OP for walking out of the wedding.
Did he not think this would get a reaction out of OP!? You just found out five mins ago your best friend and boyfriend betrayed in the most back stabbing way possible! Not just sex one time; it was an affair - the ultimate way to cheat.
I just can't believe that the guy was ok with it. It's a bit of a cliche, but once a cheater always a cheater. Surely he'd be worried that she might sleep around on him at a moments notice because of this "coming clean". I wouldn't have blamed him if he blew up and refused to marry her, and I certainly don't think the woman who walked out is to blame when she was the one being cheated on too.
I mostly agree. People can only change if they really want to and they're willing to work on themselves. But that's hard work and most people aren't willing. Hopefully they're both willing to work on themselves to get through their underlying issues.
I sort of wonder of John told because he was subtly or maybe even subconsciously trying to ruin the wedding. Like, to either punish his fiance or maybe call it off without being the one to actually call it off.
This was my thought. He wanted out but didn't want to be the one to call it off so he told OP hoping that she would cause a scene and upset the bride enough that SHE walked out and the wedding would be canceled.
My suspicion: Tom KNEW that OP's reaction was potentially to walk away. Before he made the actual commitment to the woman who betrayed OP, he used his last hours of freedom to give the betrayed OP herself the facts he recently had been given. He figured she deserved the option to act on this information, while opportunity existed. After the wedding, and vows etc, he had to bury his sense of fairplay, and back his wife in all things.
Bc he hasn't really 'forgiven" her. He knew there was a good chance of a blow-up here. This is passive aggressive. He gets to ruin the wedding, stress the bride out, tell the truth, break up the friendship, all while looking like gosh darn I was just trying to be honest. Tom knew what he was doing. He wanted that wedding to be miserable for his bride. Just like it was miserable for him. Only he's not honest enough with himself even to be forthright about it.
You could be right, though why go ahead with the wedding? Too scared to break it off maybe?
Tom may be totally clueless, socially. The true manipulative action would have been to reveal this AFTER the wedding, when all the work was done.
The only reason I can think of is cruelty.
"Stacy" is downright cruel. She knew she had an affair with her friend's partner, and then asked that same friend to be her maid of honor. That's sick thinking.
nah she probably thought that she'd get away with it and that it would be a case of no harm done. Cruelty means to enjoy harming others delibrately, and I don't think that was her objective. She just had a really poor grasp on the situation.
One of the biggest NTA's ever. Cut everyone giving you a hard time about this out of your life. I'm sure they would totally act the way they expect you too if they were in your position. They're all unempathetic and hypocritical a******s who you don't owe anything to.
The issue is that we don't know wich version of the "truth" they were served. Stacy may very well have spinned the story in such a way that she would have apeared as the hero, and hence have manipulated those people against the maid of honnor. You should be very careful with cutting people out of your life before you have made sure that they truely understand what it is that they are doing.
Why they hell would he tell her that the day before the wedding? Sorry your best friend was half the reason your future plans were ruined, but please continue being her servant and make her look like a perfect, special person!
He had just found out a few days before. I think it's fair that he worked out his feelings about it before talking to OP. This is way more on "Stacy" than "Tom". She probably didn't want him to tell OP at all, which would have been way worse. Although Tom was an AH after for being mad at OP for walking out of the wedding.
Did he not think this would get a reaction out of OP!? You just found out five mins ago your best friend and boyfriend betrayed in the most back stabbing way possible! Not just sex one time; it was an affair - the ultimate way to cheat.
I just can't believe that the guy was ok with it. It's a bit of a cliche, but once a cheater always a cheater. Surely he'd be worried that she might sleep around on him at a moments notice because of this "coming clean". I wouldn't have blamed him if he blew up and refused to marry her, and I certainly don't think the woman who walked out is to blame when she was the one being cheated on too.
I mostly agree. People can only change if they really want to and they're willing to work on themselves. But that's hard work and most people aren't willing. Hopefully they're both willing to work on themselves to get through their underlying issues.
I sort of wonder of John told because he was subtly or maybe even subconsciously trying to ruin the wedding. Like, to either punish his fiance or maybe call it off without being the one to actually call it off.
This was my thought. He wanted out but didn't want to be the one to call it off so he told OP hoping that she would cause a scene and upset the bride enough that SHE walked out and the wedding would be canceled.
My suspicion: Tom KNEW that OP's reaction was potentially to walk away. Before he made the actual commitment to the woman who betrayed OP, he used his last hours of freedom to give the betrayed OP herself the facts he recently had been given. He figured she deserved the option to act on this information, while opportunity existed. After the wedding, and vows etc, he had to bury his sense of fairplay, and back his wife in all things.
Bc he hasn't really 'forgiven" her. He knew there was a good chance of a blow-up here. This is passive aggressive. He gets to ruin the wedding, stress the bride out, tell the truth, break up the friendship, all while looking like gosh darn I was just trying to be honest. Tom knew what he was doing. He wanted that wedding to be miserable for his bride. Just like it was miserable for him. Only he's not honest enough with himself even to be forthright about it.
You could be right, though why go ahead with the wedding? Too scared to break it off maybe?
Tom may be totally clueless, socially. The true manipulative action would have been to reveal this AFTER the wedding, when all the work was done.
The only reason I can think of is cruelty.
"Stacy" is downright cruel. She knew she had an affair with her friend's partner, and then asked that same friend to be her maid of honor. That's sick thinking.
nah she probably thought that she'd get away with it and that it would be a case of no harm done. Cruelty means to enjoy harming others delibrately, and I don't think that was her objective. She just had a really poor grasp on the situation.
One of the biggest NTA's ever. Cut everyone giving you a hard time about this out of your life. I'm sure they would totally act the way they expect you too if they were in your position. They're all unempathetic and hypocritical a******s who you don't owe anything to.
The issue is that we don't know wich version of the "truth" they were served. Stacy may very well have spinned the story in such a way that she would have apeared as the hero, and hence have manipulated those people against the maid of honnor. You should be very careful with cutting people out of your life before you have made sure that they truely understand what it is that they are doing.